If Jesus Were Crucified In America

If Jesus were crucified in America instead of ancient Roman times, he might have it a lot worse due to the backwards evolution of humanity.

First, his name is Ye’shua bin Yosef. Since he’s Arab, and has 12 guys following him around, the CIA might decide to blame them for 9/11, kidnap, sodomize, and torture them. They would need a fall guy for 9/11, and this group of peace activists would be just the poor brown guys to scapegoat.

After the CIA was through sodomizing him over and over again with hummus and nuts, they’d strip him naked and interrogate him, fulfilling their deepest sexual fantasies at the CI-Gay, while attempting to make him sign a confession for 9/11. Being a peace activist is a major crime in America, and that type of shit will get you killed.

Next, the NSA would listen to his conversations and gang stalk him – running him out into the wilderness. He’d go without food for 40 days while SataNASA came to him with a job offer of selling his soul in exchange for a drone operator position.

Then, after he refused, they’d place a crown of aerosols and brimstone in his head from geoengineering “clouds.”

But, like any serial killer – what’s fun about killing people? All people who are screwed up in the head know that you should torture them first to watch them suffer slowly. Doesn’t it make the CIA feel like a “big man” to have power and control over another human; much like a wife beater?

In Roman times, executions by impailment took approximately 3.5 hours. In America, they just want to watch you suffer slowly – because they’re just that much more fucked up in the head.

The next time that you pray, warn Jesus not to reincarnate to America if he ever decides to come back to Earth again. They’ll just kill him again – and make it slower this time.