Dear Domestic Terrorists

Dear Domestic Terrorists (a.k.a. the “Intelligence” community in Amerika),

We all know how you feel inside. You don’t have to feel this way anymore. We’re here for you.

Lately, you’ve been going around illegally surveying individuals, honking your horns at them for attention, and using chemical, biological, and radiation weapons against your own citizens. We all know how powerful you must feel with those big ol’ weapons of yours, and we all know that raping the olfactory orifices of other guys in secret / the closet to “track them” must express some type of need in your life that needs to be fulfilled – just as using radiation weapons against other guys to make them all hot and sweaty must fulfill the same goal for you. Using these penis-shaped drones only adds to the evidence behind this Freudian psychology.

You don’t have to do this to yourselves (especially us). We want you to know that it’s ok, little guys. Just go ahead and come out of the closet about your “secretive operations” of abusing other people to make yourselves feel powerful while seeking attention from other guys. It’s ok. You don’t have to thermal image anyone else’s house.

There are plenty of guys out there in America, 46% of them to be exact, who have had sexual relations with the same sex. You are in luck in this country. It’s ok to be like you… and the other guys at the CI-Gay who even develop “voice to skull” technologies to honk at guys in ultra-secretive mode.

You don’t need to do any more “research.” You say that you do it for money, but we all know the truth.

As a matter of fact, if you work for some secretive branch of the government – you could go back to buying prostitutes and drugs with our tax money instead – just like you always have in the past.

Just go ahead and ground the drones, keep the clouds out of our sky, and radiation weapons off of our bodies, and stop the heterophobic hate crimes. Turn yourselves into law enforcement. It’s ok, terrorists. We’re all here for you.

I’m not sure what happened in your life to turn you into such a creep – but there are plenty of licensed professionals out there to help you with your issues. It’s ok to ask for help.

Just say no to terrorism and heterophobia. Get well soon.

Sincerely,
Michael

P.S. There are plenty of schizophrenic serial killers out there who think that they can “control the weather” with their delusions of grandeur and a god complex. You are not alone.